so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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