How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
