I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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