I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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