Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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