i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
