he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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