All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
