you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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