We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
