What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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