we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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