We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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