you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
