farters have to be the big spoon...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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