dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
