Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
