i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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