I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
