I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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