He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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