I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
