A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
