and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
