I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
