there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
