I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
why is half of my head shaved?
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