im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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