You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
