Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
