Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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