just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
