Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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