watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
