My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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