Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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