The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
