every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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