Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
