you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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