I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
