hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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