I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
