Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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