Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
