so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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