If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
