dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Randomize
