my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
