Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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